Bryan Falchuk

Bryan Falchuk: How to Redefine a Better Life for You (#216)

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Our guest today: Bryan Falchuk

Bryan Falchuk is an author, speaker, and life coach. He was introduced to me through Michael O’Brien who appeared on an earlier episode of our show. As soon as Bryan and I met in person, we discovered many more common friends we shared right here in Boston, Massachusetts.

If you are listening to this and you are an up and coming influencer, an author who is seeking to be interviewed by on podcasts, there’s one important tip and trick I learned from Bryan. He created an interview prep document (PDF) that became very handy for hosts who don’t know much about him, yet. Hence, you should create something similar to this document, where you include your photos, suggested questions, bio, etc. Podcasters love to see that you’ve done your homework!

Episode Cheatsheet & Why You Should Listen

In this episode, Bryan Falchuk and I talked about:

  • Facing major adversities and learned some hard lessons in his early years
  • Overcoming obesity with successful weight loss/weight management
  • Running marathons and staying active for life
  • Career struggles before becoming finding his path as CXO (Chief Experience Offer)
  • Managing life-threating illness and nearly lost his wife while his son was an infant
  • Developing a unique approach to inspire others to live a fulfilling and happy life

To learn more about Bryan and follow the steps he has talked about on the show, check out this special landing page he prepared just for Feisworld Podcast listeners: https://bryanfalchuk.com/fei

Bryan has as new book coming out in 2019

Bryan’s second book, The 50 75 100 Solution, is being written right now, and is focused on helping you solve dysfunction in all relationships you face in life, whether with your significant other, coworkers, friends, family or others. The 50 75 100 Solution is anticipated to be released later in 2019, so be sure to sign up for updates.

Show Notes

Bryan Falchuk’s first book published in 2017

  • [07:00]  How many podcasts have you been on? What are the most frequently asked questions?
  • [08:00] How long have you been a life coach?
  • [09:00] What’s the difference between coach and mentor?
  • [11:00] How easy/challenging do you find coaching to be and how do you influence someone?
  • [14:00]  What’s your take on when you are coaching and people immediately say ‘no’, or resist change?
  • [15:00] What are some of the example activities and things you noticed that helps strengthen people’s relationships (with partners for example)
  • [18:00] Why do you think some couples struggle to open themselves up (with themselves)?
  • [24:00] What do you think about the fact that we always form the first impression of judging people?
  • [25:00] What’s your opinion about self-love?
  • [28:00] I find myself filling different gaps in my relationship with different people. Do you think it is usual or most people try to fill every gap from a single person?
  • [32:00] Do you face a lot of clients with relationship problems?
  • [37:00] How long ago did you switch to being vegan, and what was the transition like?
  • [41:00] What are some of the things you wish you knew once you started your own coaching business?
  • [46:00] What do you think is holding so many people from starting their own businesses or leaving their full-time jobs?
  • [51:00] How can people find more about you and about your books?

Favorite Quotes

I need to interact with you in a way that exposes you to a new way of thinking about yourself, so that you make your own change to change your life, I’m not going to do that. A coach should call you out on that and work through changing your perspectives, so you can be honest with yourself about a better path.  

The lack of desire to get uncomfortable gives you the easiest answer “no”. The easiest thing you can do is not to change, not to look into it, not to challenge yourself. But it doesn’t make it any better, and eventually you are not gonna have a choice.  

40-45% of the book is very personal stuff, something I’ve doubted with, struggled with. My relationship with my mother, my relationships with my wife, with my sister, with my coworkers, I’m telling you: this is where I screwed up. It’s not about what they can do, or what I didn’t do, it’s about what I can do differently to enlist a different outcome, regardless of who I think is at fault or not.  

We all go through stuff, everybody has a back story, no matter whether it’s better or worse than someone else’s, or I went through a tougher time than you, that doesn’t matter. We all go through what we go through and that leaves little footprints on us along the way, and it wires our brain and our emotional interactions in certain ways. 

There’s no such thing as someone has everything. It’s also like beauty is in the eye of the beholders, what’s complete to you may not be complete to me, because we are incomplete, and we are looking for different things in different people, that’s why you need everyone. 

Transcript

Bryan Falchuk: How to Redefine a Better Life for You – powered by Happy Scribe

Hey. Hello. How are you? This is a show for everyone else. Instead of going after top one person of the world, we dedicate this podcast to celebrate the lives of the unsound heroes and self made artists.

I need to interact with you in a way that exposes you to a different kind of thinking about yourself so that you make your own change, so you change your life. I’m not going to do that. Like a coach should call you out for that and help you work through changing your perspective so you can be honest with yourself about a better path. The lack of desire to get uncomfortable gives you the easiest answer of no. The easiest thing you can do is not to change, is not to address it, is not to look into it, not to challenge yourself. But it doesn’t make it any better and eventually you’re not going to have a choice. Probably 40, 45% of the book is very personal stuff that’s happened to me that I’ve dealt with, that I’ve struggled with, my relationship with my mother, my relationship with my wife, with my sister, with my coworkers. Like I’m telling you here, this is where I screwed up. Not about what they did or didn’t do. It’s about what I can do differently to elicit a different outcome. Regardless of who I think is at fault or not, we all go through stuff.

Everybody has a backstory, no matter whether it’s better or worse than someone else’s or I went through a tougher time than you did or any of that, that doesn’t matter. We all go through what we go through and that leaves little footprints on us along the way and it wires our brain and our emotional interactions in certain ways. There is no such thing as someone who has everything. It’s also a bit of like beauty in the eye of the beholder is what’s complete to you may not be complete to me, because we’re incomplete and we’re looking for different things from different people. And that’s why you need everyone.

Hey, Chuck. Chuck. It’s Faye. And I’m back. I am so thrilled that you’re listening to this no matter where you are today. We welcome Brian Fulchuck to our interview format of Phase World, in addition to some of the miniseries that you’ve been seeing on how to freelance and how to produce your DIY documentary. So Brian is here with us and he is an author, speaker and life coach. I know we have a number of those on the show right now, and in case you don’t believe that life coaching could be a career, well, guess again and check out some of these incredible conversations. Brian was introduced to me, by the way, through Michael. Brian, who is also a coach. Michael appeared on our Face World podcast and he is the author behind the book called Creating Better Tomorrows winning at Work and in Life. By the way, Michael recently released a short workbook called My Last Bat Day Shift, which I have a copy of as well. So here’s the thing often people ask me about what motivates me to keep producing these episodes, and I found myself constantly transformed by conversations I have with different people every day.

I am not often changed by those 32nd ads with a list of calls meaning ten things to change your lives and guaranteed on the Internet that the promise of all the results and one road map that will suit and guarantee the results for everyone. If I could, I would share so much more than what I have currently on Face World. It’s often very difficult to select the guests we have on the show, and it’s even tougher to have to say no to so many others. But selfishly, I created this show for me as a reflection and a little journal. A different kind of journal I keep along the way of my own becoming. Brian and I wanted to get to know each other a bit before the show, before our interview, so we spent an hour and a half at a local Panera Bread. I wish I get to do this with every single new guest. That’s when I discovered that we have several family connections since we both live in Massachusetts. So small world. Hey, if you’re listening to this, and you are an up and coming influencer author who is seeking to be interviewed by others.

There’s one trick I learned from Brian, which is to create a media document. Like a little media kit in the form of a PDF or Google Doc, where you, as the person to be interviewed can include your photos, questions that can be very provoking, or suggestions that you can send to the interviewer, as well as your bio, etc. This way you’ve done some of the homework already for the host and the interview could go a lot more smoothly as a result. If you visit Phaseroll.com, I include a copy of Brian’s media doc as an example. I’m sure that will make him very proud. Brian faced many adversities and learned some of the really hard lessons growing up. After speaking with Brian in person, it reminded me once again that we really cannot assume anything about anyone. There is very little we think we know about life and everyone around us. I told Brian that my first impression of him was okay, Caucasia male, good looking, in good shape. What has he really struggled or learned in life? He struggled with obesity and became a marathon runner. He struggled with his careers and later became a CXO.

By the way, that is a chief experience, Officer. He even experienced lifethreatening illness in his family and he nearly lost his wife while trying to also take care of their newborn son. He’s been through a lot in order to create and develop his unique approach to inspire other people. So before we get started, with the interview, I want to let you know that podcasting has really helped me nearly five years in the work. At this point, I learned to get paid to do what I love. I made friends with extraordinary people. I created Business Network and transported my ideas around the world in my sleep. So if you want to know and find out how I did that, and I’m still doing that, please visit Phaseroll.com. And there is a workbook that you can download called how to make a Living as a Podcaster without counting the downloads. So without further ado, please welcome Brian Folchuck to the Phase Feisworld podcast. I would love to jump in and say number one, you’ve been on I think you said something like 120 podcasts.

This is like 152.

You are counting.

I started, you said to track for a different reason, and then I couldn’t stop. I’m a big, like, track it person.

What is the most one or two most frequently asked questions during your podcast? Do you find I mean, where do.

You recall there’s two really broad ones. One is like, where’s the story behind Due a Day? How did you arrive at that? Which is 90% of what I end up. And then the other, like a quick one, is like, is your wife still alive? Because sometimes I forget to forget, but, like, the story goes down a path and I don’t come back to that.

I did ask that as well.

And then it’s like, how do you put this in action? Or how would you actually make this work in your life? A little bit of give us the workbook answer and it just doesn’t really work that way.

Interesting.

It’s not just like, answer this one question, spits out an answer, add it to the next answer, and then you have your life purpose. It’s not that problematic.

Yeah, I find it really fascinating because I don’t know how long you’ve been a coach. Do you mind? Give us a sense. I know you’re a coach, you’re a podcaster or you’re a writer.

I’ve been coaching since 2011, and the writing started in, like, end of 2015 is when I started working on Due a Day. I had done blogs and stuff before them, but not like this. And then the podcast came out almost exactly a year ago, like a year and a week. But I’ve been doing appearances since, like, April of 2016, 2017, when the book came out. So it was like starting a couple of weeks after the book launched, which I should have timed it the other way around, like, started the shows before the book.

But I learned that’s kind of what I find interesting because all of us have our own journey and it’s so much better to do something to start something than not to start it. And, you know, coming up with all of these excuses. And so for you, it sounded like coaching book and podcast, which is this is the first time for me to hear anyone say that. And, you know, for myself, it’s like, you know, podcast, starting my own business, you know, and then I’m not exactly a coach. I call myself a mentor. Sometimes they’re different roles. Yeah. I don’t know. How are they different in your universe?

I think mentors can be more of a guide, lead by example, be a guide, be someone to come to for advice. And it’s not that a coach can’t do those things, but a coach should be there to challenge you, to guide and lead yourself. So a coach should be working through issues with you, but then pointing out where maybe you could serve yourself different or call out where you’re not being honest with yourself. I mean, I had a really good coaching call yesterday, and it was a bit of that. It’s just sort of like a guy was talking a lot about regret and regretting his behavior. And I was like, you got to stop on that one. Like, why are you regretting your behavior? Why are you talking about, I only did this? He was talking about his revenue and how he feels like a failure. He’s an entrepreneur. Do you understand how many businesses would kill to do that much business? Less than last year. I’m like, okay, so like, you’re looking at it as less than and not good enough and you’re a failure. How about, like, there are all these headwinds and you still got to this super enviable position.

You’re still standing despite all these other things you’re dealing with. It’s the same issue. You’re just looking at it from the wrong side. And then you beat yourself up and you go down like you spiral down this path. Like, a coach should call you out for that and help you work through changing your perspective so you can be honest with yourself about a better path.

How easy or how difficult, challenging do you find to kind of influence someone and really make people change their minds? And because we’re all dealing with adults here, what are your thoughts on that?

Yeah, so when you said make people change your mind, I think that’s the trick is I’m never going to make someone change their mind. And when I recognize and accepted that, that’s when I think I was able to do a better job. So I’m a management consultant by background, and I struggled in my early days with I’m a very tell style. So it’s like, I’m going to tell you what the answer is and you’re going to accept it, and that’s going to be great. But that doesn’t work for most people. Certainly not some successful person who’s like, at the top of their game. It’s really hard to take advice from someone else when you think that you’re amazing at things. But I had trouble accepting that once I realized I’m not going to tell them what their mind should be. I need to help them see the answer for themselves. Stylistically, that’s been really successful for me is not trying to change their mind. I need to interact with you in a way that exposes you to a different kind of thinking about yourself so that you make your own change, so you change your life.

I’m not going to do that.

It’s so true. And I think even it’s the same case with kids. I mean, people are only willing to change once they come to the realization of that they needed that. They wanted that themselves. And recently, I was in a conversation with friends, and I saw the most strategic question I thought about the way I approach a question is, how do we change the situation? How can I help you to change the situation? And the woman very gently said to the person, do you want to change this? And then I saw that split second of a hesitance of the person thinking about it. Not a yes or no, but just not quite sure if he really thought it through yet. He’s not sure if he fully wants it. And then that’s like, such a moment of maturity for me, to be honest. They’re like, oh, I really should know better. I mean, this is not up to me.

Well, and if they jump on the yes, my next book is about relationship problems. So in coaching people where they’re struggling with their spouse or their coworker or an employer or whatever, it’s like if I ask them, do you want this to change? Oh, yeah, because it’s like the wrong answer to say that you don’t want it to change. Why wouldn’t you want it? If you’re complaining about it or you’re saying it’s not working, you should want it to change. But so then the next question is what gets them is if they jump on it. I’m always like, why? And that’s where a lot of them pause because I’m supposed to, because this isn’t good. I was like, okay, I understand it’s not good, but what could it be? You should want to change this thing for what it could be, not for what it stops being now. Like looking at it from the other side.

Yeah. It’s interesting that you say yes exactly the moment you said someone jumps on the answer yes. Sometimes it’s not to call them fake or inauthentic, but sometimes that’s not fully processed. And I noticed also, in my experience, when people jump on the answer of no and they immediately want to give up certain responsibility, they don’t want to sign up for anything. They don’t want to sign up for advice, next steps, but at the same time, they don’t want to be judged either. I said no, but I don’t want you to keep that no.

To me, no usually either means I don’t actually understand, and as a follow up, I’m not willing to find out. So you see it in business where the compliance team and the legal team or regulatory, whatever, their answer to a lot of things that a lot of companies is no, it’s a complex new problem that they’re facing, and they’ve never dealt with it before. And so the risk aversion and the desire not to do something, but the lack of desire to get uncomfortable gives you the easiest answer of no. This thing you can do is not to change, is not to address it, is not to look into it, not to challenge yourself, but it doesn’t make it any better. And eventually you’re not going to have a choice.

You know, one thing I learned just by talking to you, you have a young son still, and he was very little in 2011, and you’ve been together with your wife. I don’t want to call an extended marriage, but given that most marriages end after, I think within five years or some crazy sat, we’ve been together for 15 years now. 15 years. Looking through your relation, not to make this overly personal, but what do you think are some of the things that people don’t talk about but actually helps strengthen their relationship on a day to day on a regular basis, as opposed to a big gift at the end of the year going on a vacation?

Yeah, gifts don’t strengthen relationships. They might buy you a little time, but they don’t strengthen the relationship. They’re not bad, but that’s like if you have a problem, buying someone a piece of jewelry does not fix the problem. Vacations and experiences could. They could also make it worse. They could force you into those conflict positions. And if you’re not in a place where you know how to handle them or work through them, then vacation is not going to help. But sometimes having that separation from the day to day, hopefully in something calm and enjoyable, then yeah, that could actually set you up for removing whatever the agitation is. To be able to address what I have found from people who’ve either read, do a day or gotten a snippet of 50, 75, 100 is I might be a coach, but I’m not perfect and everything is nice. It’s like you read do a Day and it’s about overcoming these challenges. And I had this serious battle with anxiety and it played out as obesity and all these other things I’m not done now. So I’m like I’m good. I don’t sweat anything. I never gain a pound.

I still face things all the time. I have moments where I am still overcome by my anxiety. I’m just aware of it and I know what to do to stop it from completely derailing the train for years, which is what would have happened before. So that’s what’s different, I think, for me. And I do get really personal, like do a Day is probably 40, 45% of the book is very personal stuff. That’s happened to me that I’ve dealt with, that I’ve struggled with, 50, 75, 100, same thing. It’s like my relationship with my mother, my relationship with my wife, with my sister, with my coworkers. I’m telling you here, this is where I screwed up. It’s not about what they did or didn’t do. It’s about what I can do differently to elicit a different outcome, regardless of who I think is at fault or not. And I think being personal and vulnerable is the key to that. And that’s for relationships too. The hardest thing shockingly for a lot of us in our relationships is that vulnerability. And I’m not sure how you can fully trust people when they’re not being vulnerable because they’re guarded about something and that’s a basis to not trust.

So you’re keeping something from me now. It doesn’t mean I have to know it. But the fact that you’ve made a decision to withhold from me or that you’re uncomfortable sharing a piece of you with me, especially in our closest relationships, that to me is a basis for dysfunction. Even if you just acknowledge it and you say, hey, this is really tough for me, I’m struggling with something, I’m not at a place where I’m ready to talk about it yet. Even that is progress against like denying there’s even something that’s not coming out because often there is and often we aren’t ready to talk yet. Or maybe we don’t even understand it ourselves.

Why do you think it’s some couples, young or old, find it really they struggle to really open themselves up to each other and to under share these information.

What I found is no matter how green the grass looks, it’s not green anywhere. I would say it’s only green if you garden. But by that I mean we all go through stuff. Everybody has a backstory, no matter whether it’s better or worse than someone else’s or I went through a tougher time than you did or any of that, that doesn’t matter. We all go through what we go through and that leaves little footprints on us along the way and it wires our brain and our emotional interactions in certain ways. So we get stubborn about some things and we withhold about others and we have trouble trusting and specific themes. Like some people have been cheated on. It can be really hard to trust that that won’t happen again. Even though one person has nothing to do with the other, unless there’s something in how you were selecting people and who you’re attracted to and there could be dynamics about it. Everybody’s been hurt at some point in their life, maybe multiple times, maybe once, often by people closest to us. In the work I do in the podcast I’ve been on or the people I’ve had online, like, so many of the conversations are about these childhood situations that leave an impact and you see how it plays out and it can play out positively.

Like, it could turn them into this incredibly strong and supportive person. So if you look at people who grew up, the children of alcoholics or abusers, you typically see a really strong split in their paths, where either they end up behaving similarly. Maybe it’s similarly, but with a different theme. So they’re not an alcoholic, but they’re abusing something else, or you see them like, vehemently standing against it. They won’t touch a drop of alcohol or they won’t do that. Like, totally different views on it. And I see it across the board. I see, like, promiscuity and cheating to abuse, like physical abuse, to sexual abuse, to substance abuse. It really runs the gamut of how people who are exposed to that as little children split. And that defines how we are. And so that could mean if I was hurt by someone in my family, I may be less likely to choose to trust the people in my family have created as an adult. Or maybe there are certain things that trigger me to behave a certain way from my childhood that maybe I’m not even aware of because it just was reality growing up.

I was never like, oh, this is different. It’s just what you grew up with. So you’re not aware of it, and you find yourself or others find you triggered even if you’re not aware of it. The thing is, we all bring those to the party. We’re all interacting with them. What we don’t do usually is stop to understand that about ourselves or our partners to see how we can fit together.

Hey, it’s Faye. And this is Face world. Today I’m having a super fun conversation with Brian Fulcheck, who is an author, speaker, and life coach. Brian speaks to many challenges he has experienced as a child and an adult, from obesity to lifethreatening illness in this family while raising a young son, and how eventually he developed an approach and system to inspire others to succeed. It’s interesting that there are a lot of common themes we experience on the everyday basis. And for that reason, I feel like literally, I really mean it when I say this. There are not enough coaches in this world. I know so many people see this career as this, oh my God, that’s like a fantasy world. How could I possibly freelance as a coach and write these books and expect people to come to me? But at the same time, that’s literally what we experience. I think the most recent experiences I’ve had through all my dance classes, as I mentioned when we first started the recording, is I meet these men and women, mostly women, and a lot of these women really seem quite perfect and in class. Right, we’re going through this relatively fancy gym.

Everything is spotless inside the gym. And these women wear their loo lemons and they’re very fit. They all have children. They look like they’ve never been pregnant and hair, everything. And yesterday it was like really touching. For a moment they looked I’m like, oh man, you’re so fit. I was just wondering, what do you eat since the age of 30? All I think about is how to stay the same weight or be like £10 lighter. It gets really tiring and she lift up her shirt, like very briefly. She’s like, I’ve got two kids and these loose skins ain’t going to go anywhere. And I just remember, I’m like, I was really surprised she was willing to do that. And of course people are like, what about plastic surgery? It’s not safe. And then all the other women kind of chimed in that that’s just what you can see. The women who have gone through all kinds of fertility treatments, what they suffer through IVF, you don’t know any of these things.

Yeah, but we pass judgment or we look at them in the midst of those treatments, like, oh, she got fat, what happened? No, she didn’t. She’s trying to create a family and she’s struggling and she’s getting help. But you just for that.

Yeah, exactly. Those hormonal treatments are crazy. They’re over. They’re telling me to overstimulate your ovary. And then whereas some people, some women experience kidney failures, I’m like, why would women do that to themselves? Because they want to give lives to their own children. And a lot of that’s from social pressure. Because other people have children, because the grandparents want to have kids and it’s not just what they want for themselves.

Girls made to feel that since they were little girls.

Yeah, like you’re supposed to raise children and create lives.

Yeah. And most of us don’t see adoptees around. There are tons of them. You may not be aware or they’re still more biological kids than adopted kids. And so you’re not as comfortable with that. Like, if that’s not the white picket fence, suburban home kind of vision that so many people are fed.

From early age, I came to realize sometimes when you open yourselves up and you build very different relationships right off, the Bat, and it’s a really incredible thing. And you break that those walls down, those barriers down, and just felt like it was just incredible for me to be in the middle of all those conversations. Right. And I love what you wrote about self love and it’s a question and area you talk about and I think it’s so lacking in the world today on various levels. And I think people who are the most offensive, sometimes the most hurtful, are the ones who are most hurt themselves. And whether you as another human being, whether choose to help them or not. So what are your definition and sort of your thinking around selflove?

Yes, I think it’s the single most important thing that any of us actually has. Because without this, I think the rest of the stuff I talk about, even like the introspection. Without self love, all that’s actually worthless. I don’t usually talk that dismissively, but my point in that is like, without selflove, you end up fighting everything else because you either don’t think you deserve whatever the positive outcome is because you don’t value yourself to begin with, so why would you deserve better? Or you don’t think you’re capable of it. So all those, like, I can’t get through this. This is the hardest thing ever, I’m not going to make it. Well, like, what about all those times you did make it? Why don’t you value that? Why don’t you recognize what you’re capable of? And so people get really squeamish at the idea or they think it’s too touchy for you. I had a coaching prospect who didn’t want to work with me once. I talked about self love because he’s a tough guy, he’s from Boston. He’s got like the heavy boss. Don’t talk to me about all that hippy stuff. But it was too much of a challenge to his self identity.

And the reality is like, after that call with him, I was like, that’s someone who needs it the most. Because he’s put on all this toughness on the outside because he’s so unsettled with himself on the inside. So like, whether you want to call it something else, valuing yourself or respecting yourself that time, but it’s about those two things. It’s about believing that you deserve and believing that you’re capable. Don’t think you deserve it and you’re not capable of it, then the rest of it really doesn’t matter.

I must say that just hearing you talk about this, I realized all of a sudden made me think about all the men in my life for different purpose and reasons and obviously not just romantic relationship. I realize I’m very drawn and very I get along really well with men who have a little bit more feminine energy and who is more when I say that, it’s like almost I feel like it’s a false definition. And because for a lack of a better word, I call it I think it just, you know, they’re way more warm attentive and they listen better. And on the contrary, I’ve also because of nearly 20 years of martial arts, I’ve also befriended with a lot of people who are your typical alpha male. And in every situation they don’t have to scream, but they make all the decisions for you. They tell you what’s going on and they will not spare another word if they feel like they don’t have to. So it’s been challenging for me to deal with those relationships, to be honest.

But they’re in a specific category of your life and they wouldn’t cross over into others because you recognize that, like, ultimately, like, that’s fine in this context but probably not compatible in this other one. Yeah, it’s the kind of man that you would bring closest to you trending towards or tending towards a romantic. Relationship versus like that’s someone I do martial arts with.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, in our current modern world, you’re supposed to only have one person that you refer to in a romantic relation, but that’s only one person. And I’ll be curious to kind of hear your ideas on when it comes to relationships in mono world, like all these cheating and people looking for part of themselves elsewhere. But for me, I’m really happy where I am. And I think about my relationship with other men and women are in many other areas of my life. And I think because of that I’m happier, I’m more fulfilled because I don’t look for everything in one person. And I know that I’m incomplete in the sense that there are so many other things I want to learn about myself and to explore and to learn from other people. I think of them as people I want to do business with, people I want to coach, mentor one day. People want to coach a mentor me one day. There are many roles that could be filled in addition to romantic relationship.

Yeah, I love it when you just say that you’re incomplete. Everybody’s incomplete because there is no such thing as someone who has everything. It’s also a bit of like beauty in the eye of the beholder is what’s complete to you may not be complete to me. Because we’re incomplete and we’re looking for different things from different people. And that’s why you need everyone. My father in law, he works on heating systems and so he goes into someone’s house and they’re a lawyer or doctor or whatever, and sometimes he’s gotten like judgment from them about being less than. They have all these advanced degrees and are really successful and he’s just the heating guy and it’s always like, yeah, and it’s going to be negative ten tonight. And we all need each other, so we’re all incomplete in different ways and you need to understand that. So you know what you need to fill in.

It’s so true. And it’s not just a heating guy, right? We all have, I mean, these people possess skills that we never will have, not willing to learn or simply won’t be able to learn. I’m curious. I had several guests, all men, not women, which is sad. I need to get another woman to talk about these things. But several men volunteered to talk about love, relationships, their personal relationships. One guest who opened up about that, the fact that he and his wife, gorgeous wife, not having sex anymore ten years ago, but and he broke it down and said, how they fix it? I was just like, oh my God, I didn’t expect this. And I actually spoke to his wife who is absolutely lovely, also a coach and another gentleman after making his $50 million, who’s still only 30 years old. Is it okay if I talk about sex? I’m like, sure, alright, go for it and then, you know, transition to self love. So, you know, like, what are your I wonder, I mean, without naming names, most certain that you’re working with people who are struggling in their personal relationships or a lot of the people that I know struggle with their self identity and they’re not fully satisfied or happy in their long term relationships as in their marriages.

And because like, we are supposed to be always faithful, and we’re supposed to get everything from this one person that we chose. Do you face a lot of that?

Yeah, I’m just sort of running through my head various people that I’m working with and where they’re at with that. I think the thing you just said about we’re supposed to get everything from this one person that we chose, I do think we’re supposed to get everything from this one person, but it’s us. It sort of goes against the point we’re just saying about like, rawling, complete, and we need each other. Yes, we do, in society. But you need to complete yourself, have to feel content with yourself because that’s the only thing you always have. And as I reflect on various people that I coach and I don’t work with anyone in one vacuum of their life because I don’t think that’s reality. Pretty much everyone comes to me for a thing like my weight, my career, my this, my that. And it’s like, that’s awesome. I almost don’t care. I do I don’t mean to sound crass, but like, your life is holistic. You can separate. Like, I’m just having trouble at work and everything else is perfect. So we’re not going to talk about that. Or I had somebody came to me about weight loss and she struggled with it since a very particular age.

And so that’s like a laser focus for me. Like, what happened at age like twelve or whatever it was, I’m not willing to talk about. That was her answer. I’m like immediately, like, okay, there’s a trauma story around that age, and I can sit here and presume things in my mind. I don’t know what it is, but if she’s not willing to talk about it, then we’re not going to make any progress. And we had a great conversation, and I gave her some general tips, but ultimately I was like, so where this is at for me is that moment you talked about where everything changed. You do need to get to a place where you can talk about it. And I understand why you’re not comfortable with that, but I would suggest these two or three ways. This kind of person to go see or whatever. Because until you address that, it will continue to have power over in this and other domains in your life. So the reason is because of how it makes her feel about herself and from there, her ability or inability to trust others to feel safe, all these things.

So as I look at all the people that I’m coaching, where it’s like, where do their relationship stand? Even the ones who have great relationships, you’ll hear them talk about, I’m failing her or him because and it’s like and it hurts me because she loves me so much. But there’s still this negative sentiment, even if it’s a great relationship. And in every single case, there’s a lack of self love, there’s a lack of feeling content with yourself. And so then there’s an outward portrayal into that relationship in some problematic way. I see that really consistently. And some people will act out and trying to feel better by seeking it with others or many others, or they will just swear everyone else off because they’re so miserable, even with themselves, they’re unlikable by anybody else or undesirable. So yeah, I mean, I see it play out every single way. I do think infidelity that split in the spectrum, I’m hardcore. Like, that’s a complete and utter no for me. I don’t accept or understand or I might know why it happened, but I’m never okay with it. But you do see a really consistent theme of why it happened, and it always goes back in security and the actor.

It’s not just about that person who they desired so much, in addition to the person that they had already chosen and didn’t care for anymore. There’s a reason why everything’s moved. So I do see that really consistently.

That’s so fascinating that you get to talk to so many different people and realize in many ways I’m not sure if you feel the same way. I think it helps you too. It fuels you in a positive way. Granted, there’s still going to be sure, some negative energy, but you get to learn so much more. You hear these stories and maybe help put things in perspective for your own life.

Yeah, very much so. Yeah. So I mentioned I was working with my editor today on my next book, and he wanted me to add an origin story for what sparked writing the book. And it started with, I mean, my own relationship with my wife. And then I started in my coaching work to recognize the same patterns. And so the things I was learning with my wife, I was able to apply for them. And I was like, there’s something more. There’s a story here. But it took those coaching sessions for me to see that, like, oh, it’s not just us. It’s not just me and her me. And these are like, this stuff helps universally. I was like, there’s something to this. It’s been really a huge growth engine for me, is helping other people, aside from just feel like I come off these calls just so energized. That’s what I want to do. And I want to impact people and help them to turn their own lives around and then have those tools themselves.

Yeah. Even when you’re not there.

Yeah, especially when I’m not there.

Yeah, I want to talk to you briefly, ask a question about the veganism. I didn’t realize you’re a vegan.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And you said you were able to do that in one day. You made a decision, you switched. How long ago was this and what happened?

January 2015, I was reading an autobiography of this guy, Ritual, this vegan alternative athlete.

Yeah, his podcast is great too.

I’m obsessed with ritual. He’s incredible, but I know him a lot. He’s given me a lot of thoughts to ponder and to push myself on. And so reading this book and he just sort of like, why haven’t you done this yet? You don’t really have any excuses. And I always had excuses. I was curious, but I was like, oh, I can’t. What about this business trip or my son’s birthday or this or that? I was like, yeah, you know what? I don’t have any excuses to just do it tomorrow. I said out loud, I was like, I can do a day. Like, I’ll just do it for one day. And that’s when do a Day got its name, 2015. So I just kind of let go of fighting the idea just today. I don’t have to never eat these things for the rest of my life. I just sort of do it tomorrow. So I will wake up and I will do that and we’ll see how it goes and then I’ll evaluate the next day. But I’m not doing every day right now. So I did it, and it was way easier than I had been eating.

I was doing the slow carb diet following Tim Ferriss and the Four Hour Body, and it worked. But it was so exhausting to have to scrutinize the heck out of everything that are healthy that I was like, oh, I can’t have a grapefruit because the sugar content is too high, even though it’s like, super healthy. Yeah, so, yeah, it was easy. And then it was like, I can do the next day. And it’s been since then. And I’m not vegan a hundred percent of the time. I’m vegan high 90 something percent of the time are situations where I will make a decision and be like, for this reason, I’m willing to break from veganism. Like, my son’s birthday was one of the things I was held up. He’s like, Daddy, I want you have a piece of cake. So it’s like, you know what? I’m not going to be like, no, that’s like, you know what, buddy? I have a buddy of the cake with you because you want to have that with me. Or like, you know, someone had us over for dinner and they went out of their way to accommodate me, or so they thought.

They’re like, yeah, I got this frittata recipe, so I made this all eggs, oh, cheese in it and like, that’s awesome, but I don’t beat myself up for it, I understand why, and I make sure I understand that really clearly so I know how I’m going to make the decision the next time I face it. And there’s other things I don’t eat or I don’t like. I used to be way hooked on Diet Pepsi would ever know, but I’m like, you know what? There’s a ton of chemicals in that. And I work so hard to keep my body clean of those things. And I have some issues with my liver that’s like, why would I ask my liver to process that when I’m also like, dealing with all these flights and not sleeping enough and I want to keep exercising and, like, there’s a great river that I want to go for a run along. I make those decisions for myself in those moments, and I feel good knowing I have the right structure and basis and self love to make the choice for myself and be comfortable with myself for those choices.

Yeah, I love that. Well, thanks for breaking that down. Hey, it’s Faye, and this is Face World today I’m having a super fun conversation with Brian Fulcheck, who is an author, speaker and life coach. Brian speaks to many challenges he has experienced as a child and an adult, from obesity to life threatening illness in this family while raising a young son, and how eventually he developed an approach and system to inspire others to succeed. I realize there’s one question that we typically ask people who are coaches, entrepreneurs is many of the people we interviewed weren’t born as coaches. I don’t know if anybody is. So what are you know, for you to go from McKinsey Business Consulting to working insurance companies? I believe 20 years or so and this life event happened. What was easy and really difficult about starting your own business as a coach for people who are actively pursuing that career? We simply just want to learn more. What do you think are some of the things you wish you knew going into it?

That’s a really tough question because I’m not sure I’ve ever been structured enough as like, a corporation approach to it. There’s so much out there about how to do it, and you need these social media tools and this pricing structure and this click funnel, and I’m not cut that way. And I know there’s a lot of success in doing that. It’s just not who I am. So for me, it’s been a very organic and personal approach. I got into coaching because people saw me transform on the back of my wife’s illness and how that helped me face myself to change. So it was super organic and just kind of fell into it. Friends reached out and they’re like, you look amazing, like you’re doing all these things. I’m really struggling in a similar way. Do you think you could help me? What are you doing? Can we talk? I naturally fell into coaching through doing that. And I’ve always kept it as a side hustle. And there comes a point where it’s like, is this just a side hustle? So I run this difficult balance because I love doing it. I get so much out of it professionally.

That’s the most rewarding piece of what I do. And it was never enough to support my family. Because aside from living in a nice place and not wanting to disrupt what my son’s life looks like and we’re going to go live in a car for the next year or whatever. We’ve got a lot of medical bills and we’ve got a lot of non medical but health related costs around, like food and whatnot for my wife to be where she’s at. And so that has a pretty high bar earnings wise. I think that’s been the toughest thing. I talked to John Broman about this in his show, like, making that leap for a lot of people, I think that’s the hardest part, whether you’re into click funnels or not. That’s a moment of pause for me and is this something I want to do? But the bigger question is, do you have the strength in yourself and are you willing to put the hard work in so that you can literally put the rest of your life at risk to be able to make this thing that you love so much full time? That’s the hardest part of the whole thing.

And so I’m a big fan of the side hustle because you can test the waters and you can build still have that protection, but at some point you’re going to face a week.

Yeah, I love where you’re going with this because I also happen to be in the middle of producing a mini series called how to Freelance for me personally to start freelancing back in early, very early 2016. At that time, I had already been side hustling. But January 1, 2016, that’s when I went all out to say, I’m going freelancing full time. Now I don’t have any full time job or like a consistent income at that point, but I also didn’t really have the sort of the barriers and the things that you have to deal with.

Yeah, but we all have some and some people are more okay with making that leap and leaping without a parachute, and some people will never make that leap.

Yeah.

And all of those answers are, okay, yeah. But if you really have passion for it and you love what you’re doing, you can test the waters. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, but just recognize, like, there could well be a reckoning where you have to make that call. And I have yet to meet anyone who’s taken the leap who’s been like, it was the biggest mistake of my life. They might have gone through tough times. They might have been like, you know, I ended up selling my house or my car or my desk. But in hindsight, now look where I’m at. I’m so thankful I did that.

Yeah, I think it’s really fascinating that I find sort of my own upbringing has always been for my generation, is get a full time job. Whoever you date or marry better have a full time job, a house, cars, where all these things paid for. Then you can consider not freelancing, but relaxing a little bit at your full time job. But I finally kind of gave myself the permission to go all out and just to kind of see how I feel. And I realized a lot of other people are more worried about me than I worried about myself. And if you were at work, it’s like, you could always come back and then sending me these books, that was really interesting. Like you said, once you make that decision, it’s actually a lot less scary than when you’re anticipating as you approaching that goal or that lifestyle.

Sometimes having a plan B is what holds you back. So you hear a lot about that. There’s an amazing spinal surgeon who mostly doesn’t operate. He usually talks patients out of getting the surgery, and he has a whole nonsurgical path that is a lot of, like, meditation, dealing with your trauma. Like, he believes most of our back problems and whatnot are actually rooted in ourselves and our emotional issues, not in the physical. But he’s like, if you want to give my program a try, have to commit to never having surgery. Because if you’re sitting there being like, well, and if this doesn’t work, I’ll just have them cut my back open. That’s always in the back of your head, and you will never be all in, and you have to be all in this or it won’t work.

Yeah, exactly.

Great that you can go back to your job. And is that keeping you from being 100% in it?

Yeah, I think exactly, the commitment. And then you learn once a commitment is there, you learn to work it out pretty quickly. I think two things that made a big difference for me is I have been saving money since I was 22. I tell people it looks so insignificant. I remember I was putting maybe away $100, $8100 every paycheck, which is I know it’s a lot of money for a lot of people, but for me at the time, it was like there was a little calculator that says, when you’re 35, 30, 35, you’re going to accumulate this much. I’m like, this is such a joke. This will never happen.

I’ll have $8,300.

Yeah, exactly.

Why am I doing this?

Exactly. Sometimes you’re being more aggressive. The approach is like really?

What, I have to invest it?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I did that, and I looking back, I was like, wow, that is incredible. I mean, I do appreciate that I have great relationships with people who are Jewish and have taught me everything about finance that my parents taught me. Nothing about zero. So I was more comfortable to realize that, okay, in order to run a sustainable business, you can’t just have clients who pay you $5000 for every or even honestly, even 1000, $2,000 per project. If you’re trading your time for money, it’s just not going to add up. So it’s interesting. And that’s when I realized over the years, took me oh, my gosh, three and a half years. But it wasn’t until about two years into my career I started working on my other side, hustles more passive income, writing ebooks, creating courses. You know, it took time, and it felt really hard because I was working on a full time, 40, 50, 60 hours already for these hourly rate clients. And then to find that buffer time to create something else was another leap I had to make.

It goes back to self love. Every coach I’ve talked to, when we talked about their rates, there’s like, well, I don’t think I can charge them that because it’s just me. I’m like, what’s your time worth? Can you feed yourself and your family on whatever that no. And it’s like you’re saying you’re overbooked, so you’re not charging enough, and they’re taking advantage of you, and they’re going, like, over by an hour, and you’re not charging them for that, or they’re canceling last minute, and you’re not living by your cancellation policy because you can’t get other money right now. You’re not taken from them, and they kept you from earning it elsewhere. How are you paying your rent? But if you don’t value yourself enough, you’re not going to stand. My time is worth it.

Exactly. That’s when you realize who are the good versus the really bad clients and how to say no, stand up for yourself and say no to the people, that’s not a good fit. You can say that in a very artistic way, of course, but having those choices is just so important.

Develop the alternatives. Like, I have the book, so if you don’t have the time to do the coaching, or it’s out of your price range, you have $9 or $10 or whatever. Like the ebook for $4. Yeah. And for me, it was also like, I want to touch more people than I could ever do, even if I coached 24/7. So that’s the reason I wrote the book. It’s not about selling the ideas, but there are ways to get there. And it’s like you got your courses, like, that’s cheaper than hiring you on as a coach or mentor or consultant or whatever. There are ways that you can still serve those people. You don’t have to turn your back on them. You need to make sure your time is actually adding to your own life as well. Because if you don’t matter, you won’t be here to serve them either.

Yeah, I love how you said that, but thank you so much for your time, Brian. I think I also want to thank Michael, Brian, for introducing us and how could people find more about you and.

Also your books so they can go to brianfellchreck. Comfay.

Good. Thank you so much, Brian. Talk to you soon.

All right, take care.

Bye. Hi there. It’s me again. I want to thank you very much for listening to this episode and I hope you were able to learn a few things. If you enjoyed what you heard, it would be hugely helpful if you could subscribe to the Phase Feisworld Podcast. It literally takes seconds. If you’re on your mobile phone, just search for Phase Feisworld Podcast in the Podcast app on iPhone or an Android app such as Podcast Addict and click subscribe. All new episodes will be delivered to you automatically. Thanks so much for your support. Thank you.

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